Monday, January 31, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
CÁI TẾT TẠI GIA ĐÌNH NUÔI
CÁI TẾT TẠI GIA ĐÌNH NUÔI
Tôi vừa mới là con nuôi trong một gia đình trung lưu hạnh phúc ở Sài Gòn. Với riêng tôi, cái tết ấy đã thật không phải là tuyệt vời như nhiều người nghĩ.
Biết má nuôi tôi không bao lâu, về nhà những cuối tuần cũng không bao lâu, tôi phải đối mặt với một điều khó xử: nghỉ hè ở đâu? Ở Cần Thơ, gia đình tôi đã tan tác rồi. Bên nội tôi- ở Gò Vấp, S.G- không có ai quan tâm đến tôi. Không ai màng đến việc tôi đang ở đâu hoặc tôi đang làm gì. Ba tôi khiến cho cả đại gia đình bên nội tôi quên mất tôi là ai, mặc dù tôi là cháu đích tôn. Dắt thằng Trọng Cọp đến nhà để làm nhân chứng, tôi giới thiệu với bà má nuôi rằng nó cùng tôi lên làm cho một lò nem “Má Chánh”- mẹ của người bạn học cũ trên Bảo Lộc. Đã khó khăn lắm tôi mới xin được bà cho tôi đi Bảo Lộc cái hè năm đó. Tôi đã phải chọn Blao để lưu ngụ 3 tuần nghỉ hè như một loài chim phải bay đến một nơi để tránh cái nóng. Hết hè đến tết. Chẳng lẻ nào tôi lại xin bà má nuôi đi Bảo Lộc một lần nữa trong những ngày tết này ? Chẳng lẻ nào tôi lại phải như một con chim “tránh Xuân” nữa hay sao? Ước chi tôi là chim để tôi có thể bay lên Bảo Lộc, bay về tổ.
Tôi đành phải ở với gia đình nuôi tết năm ấy-1976, lần đầu tiên tôi ăn tết xa nhà, lần đầu tiên tôi phải đóng kịch, phải dối lòng, phải phủ phàng với chính gia đình tôi. Tôi trình cho ông già nuôi cái giấy phép do trường cấp. Trên đó có ghi rỏ địa chỉ nơi đến: 20 A Võ Thị sáu - P: 4, Q: 1. Tôi thật thà đưa cho bà má nuôi hết những thứ tôi nhận từ trường, những cái gọi là “nhu yếu phẩm” như: hai bao thuốc lá, ½ kí đường, và một hộp bánh mức. Thằng em út trong nhà- Hải Dốt- là người thích tôi nhất vì nhiều lý do. Tôi có những điều nó thích. Tôi chịu uống cà phê với nó và nghe nó kể chuyện. Tôi uống rượu suốt với nó và chú ý nghe nó tếu suốt bửa nhậu. Vậy, với tôi, người bầu bạn quan trọng trong nhà là nó. Còn đối với nó, tôi là người nó cần để “đối ẩm”. Má tôi đâu có biết gói bánh tét nhưng hàng năm bà đặt một cái lò nấu bánh chuyên nghiệp gí cho 20 đòn. Năm ấy bà hỏi ý kiến trong nhà xem có nên đem các đòn bánh sống về nhà nấu hay không. Hải Dốt lên tiếng ngay,
“Má để con với anh Thành lo nấu nồi bánh tét cho.”
Bà già hóm hỉnh, nửa đùa nửa thật:
“Hai anh em vừa chụm lửa vừa nhậu mê luôn há?”
“Má để tụi con vui tết sớm chứ má.”
Thằng Hải đúng là người làm tôi “vui tết sớm”. Hai anh em tôi lo tìm ba cục gạch lớn để làm cái lò. Má tôi gọi người ta chở củi tràm đến. Tôi chẻ ra các khúc củi lớn. Ông già rất thích ngắm nhìn tôi làm việc, nhanh nhẩu, hiệu quả. Ông nhả nhặn nhờ tôi bưng lên lầu vài chậu kiểng cũ kĩ. Thằng Hải và tôi là hai tay năng nổ chịu cực nhất trong nhà. Tối giao thừa chỉ có nó với tôi ở nhà lo nồi bánh tét trong lúc những người khác đều có tiết mục, áp phe, hoặc hẹn hò để đi chơi hết. Người anh cả còn đang đi cải tạo. Ông anh ba gặp mặt lúc nào cũng nghe ảnh lè nhè. Người anh thứ tư- trách nhiệm nhất nhà- chú ý tôi nhất và đối xữ với tôi rất nhả nhặn. Anh thứ năm là một gã nghiện xì ke nặng. Anh thứ sáu và thằng thứ mười một đang ở bên Mỹ. Chị bảy duyên dáng, sắc sảo và chị ấy dè chừng tôi như một gã không lương thiện. Chị tám kiêu kỳ và có khi ra vẻ khi dể tôi. Thằng thứ chín- nhỏ hơn tôi một tuổi- đang học ĐH Nông Lâm, thích khoe khoang mọi thứ với tôi. Như Ngọc là cô em thứ mười- người thích chơi đàn ghita và âm thầm gần gủi tôi. Thằng thứ mười một cũng theo ông anh thứ sáu ra đi tại Tân Sơn Nhất ngay ngày 30 tháng 4. Hải Dốt- con út- là người có gần hết các tính cách, kinh nghiệm đời của các anh chị em trong gia đình trừ một điều: học lực và Anh Văn.
Trong khi canh nồi bánh tét, Hải kể cho tôi nghe hầu hết những biến cố trong gia đình này và riêng về cuộc đời nó. Gần với Hải được bao nhiêu là hiểu gia đình này được bấy nhiêu. Hải không tỏ ra ganh tị với tôi mà cũng không có vẻ nghi ngờ tôi vì nó tin vào phán xét của bà mẹ có nhiều kinh nghiệm. Tôi đang kể tóm tắc cho nó nghe về tôi khi pháo giao thừa nổ vang dội khu phố Đa Kao. Tiếng pháo như làm vở tung cái yên tỉnh trong lòng tôi, cái tĩnh mịch trong một cái hang xâu thẳm ở trong tôi. Gần như cả nhà chạy xuống lầu, ra đường ngắm nhìn, tận hưởng cái khoảng khắc đặc biệt nhất trong năm này. Chúng tôi tiếp tục nhâm nhi rượu thuốc với món đồ nhậu do chính tay bà già làm cho tới khi nồi bánh vừa chín và đồng hồ vừa gỏ ba tiếng.
Sáng mồng một, đến chừng 9 giờ, sau nhiều tiếng thúc giục của mẹ tôi, con cái trong nhà mới có mặt đầy đủ. Ông Bà già ngồi trước bàn thờ ông bà nội. Từng người con chúc tết. Vì anh Hai còn trong trại cải tạo, anh ba phải là người bắt đầu. Xong câu chúc thọ, ảnh ôm hôn ba, hôn má. Tôi bị choáng vì chưa bao giờ và sẽ không bao giờ tôi làm được điều ấy cả. Kế đến là ngưòi thứ tư và tôi được xếp sau thằng thứ chín. Tôi phải cố gắng lắm mới kềm được nước mắt sau khi tôi hôn ba má nuôi của tôi. Tôi nghẹn ngào,
“Con chúc ba má sống lâu trăm tuổi.”
Mẹ nuôi tôi kéo tôi xuống, hôn trán tôi,
“Má chúc con học giỏi. Vui vẻ nhe con, Thành Xì!”
Mọi người hoan hỉ và cười đùa trêu chọc nhau, đòi tiền lì xì hoặc lì xì nhau, trừ tôi ra. Hơi bị sổ mủi vì thức khuya ngoài trời tối hôm qua, tôi cảm thấy hơi buồn bả, mệt mỏi và cô đơn. Tôi bổng thèm được tự do. Tôi thèm muốn cái không khí thật hồn nhiên, thật vô tư, thật gia đình. Thất thểu lên lầu ba, vào phòng nằm một mình, nước mắt tôi trào ra như nước suối, chảy xuống gối. Tôi thở dài và nhắm mắt lại. Tôi cố quên đi mọi thứ. Tôi bất thình lình nhớ ra câu thơ, “Người buồn cảnh có vui đâu bao giờ.” Thằng cháu nội trai của ông bà- Ốc Tiêu- kêu tôi ơi ới:
“Chú Thành ơi, bà nội kêu chú xuống bà nội biểu.”
“Con nói với nội chú hơi bị cảm. Một lác nữa chú xuống nghe.”
“Chú Thành chưa lì xì cho con phải không?” Thằng nhóc bước vào phòng
“Ô kìa, chú quên mất rồi. Đây nhé! Chúc chú gì nè?”
“Con…chúc chú ở hoài trong nhà này.”Ốc Tiêu như hiểu thấu lòng tôi.
Tôi nửa cười thầm nửa khóc trong bụng. Thằng bé ngây thơ đâu biết rằng tôi có thể bị ai đó hất văng ra khỏi cái nhà này. Dẩu sao nó giúp tôi nhận ra một sự thật rằng,
“Đây có phải là nhà của ta đâu? Bà mẹ nuôi thì chỉ là bà mẹ nuôi đấy thôi. Ngày xuân, vui tết là của họ. Nào ta có thật sự có vui thú gì đâu!”
Hải thức dậy rất trể. Bạn nó đến chúc tết ông bà già và bọn chúng kéo nhau đi đánh bài. Như Ngọc, ít có bạn, lộ vẻ vui gượng gạo. Cô ta trở thành người gần với tôi trong lúc này. Hai đứa tôi ở trong phòng cùng với bà già xem T.V. Hai đứa tôi tự cảm thấy dường như trong mỗi người có mùa thu hay đông gì đấy. Bà già đành phải làm cái cầu nối cho chúng tôi:
“Tụi con rủ nhau đi đâu chơi đi! Ngọc có bạn đến chơi không? Thành muốn đi đâu không con? Má lì xì thêm cho tụi con nè. Thành vui không con? Một lác nữa hai đứa theo má lên thăm bà ngoại nhen.”
Tôi lí nhí trả lời bà và cố nhoẻn miệng cười nhưng trong lòng tôi chớm muốn khóc khi tôi đang tính trốn chạy khỏi cái nơi này. Tôi được bà yêu thương, che chở. Tôi xem Hải như em tôi. Như Ngọc hiền hậu và không có vẻ coi thường tôi. Những điều ấy không đủ khiến tôi vui. Việc đi đâu đó ở Sài Gòn này có làm tôi vui được không? Việc có một số tiền lì xì có thể gíup tôi vui lên chăng? Chỉ có việc đi Bảo Lộc- như việc về quê hương- mới có thể khiến tôi vui mà thôi.
Tôi như một tù nhân bị giam lỏng. Tôi như là kẻ đã tự trói buộc tay tôi lại. Tôi thèm tự do. Tôi cần một niềm vui thật. Tôi muốn thật sự mỉm cười. Tôi ao ước một bửa ăn đơn sơ nhưng thật ngon. Tôi đã hằng lâu nay thèm cái cảm giác rờn rợn khi cúng ông bà, đưa ông táo, lạy bàn ông thiên, đốt nhang, đốt pháo… Tôi trông chờ ngày hai mẹ con tôi thật sự ăn tết. Tôi mòn mỏi vì ngày ấy không biết khi nào mới đến với chúng tôi. Có ích gì khi ta phải đóng vai làm điều này việc kia mà ta thấy ngượng ngùng. Có hay ho gì khi ta hát một bài mà ta không cảm, người nghe không thích, không có một tiếng vỗ tay và không một lời bình phẩm. Có đáng gì một ngày mồng một, ba ngày tết với biết bao nhiêu sự chuẩn bị, tốn phí. Cái kịch bản nào cũng phải được diển viên đọc trước và đồng ý, đúng không? Tôi hình dung ra được cái tết phải như thế nào nhưng tôi không biết diển như ra sao cho phù hợp với vai trò của tôi ở đây- người con nuôi với một tâm trạng. Sự có mặt của tôi trong nhà hay không chỉ làm má nuôi của tôi bận tâm mà thôi. Hải có bạn của nó. Ngọc có mấy cái rào cản, ngay trong cái nhà này- liếc mắt, châm chọc, khích bác, mỗi khi nàng tỏ thân thiện hay đi chơi với tôi. Bà má nuôi của tôi còn có bao nhiêu khách phải tiếp, bao nhiêu nơi phải đi đến, bao nhiêu việc phải làm, bao nhiêu toan tính trong đầu. Tôi có phần trong tất cả những điều ấy.
Việc tôi xin phép bà má nuôi đi Bảo Lộc ngay sáng mồng hai tết trở thành điều dể hiểu, dể cảm thông và dể được mọi người trong cái gia đình đó chấp nhận. Má nuôi của tôi có lẻ thương tôi hoặc cảm thấy tội nghiệp cho tôi nhiều hơn.
Rạch Giá Feb7-10
Lương Ngọc Thành- Thành Xì TL 71-74
Tôi vừa mới là con nuôi trong một gia đình trung lưu hạnh phúc ở Sài Gòn. Với riêng tôi, cái tết ấy đã thật không phải là tuyệt vời như nhiều người nghĩ.
Biết má nuôi tôi không bao lâu, về nhà những cuối tuần cũng không bao lâu, tôi phải đối mặt với một điều khó xử: nghỉ hè ở đâu? Ở Cần Thơ, gia đình tôi đã tan tác rồi. Bên nội tôi- ở Gò Vấp, S.G- không có ai quan tâm đến tôi. Không ai màng đến việc tôi đang ở đâu hoặc tôi đang làm gì. Ba tôi khiến cho cả đại gia đình bên nội tôi quên mất tôi là ai, mặc dù tôi là cháu đích tôn. Dắt thằng Trọng Cọp đến nhà để làm nhân chứng, tôi giới thiệu với bà má nuôi rằng nó cùng tôi lên làm cho một lò nem “Má Chánh”- mẹ của người bạn học cũ trên Bảo Lộc. Đã khó khăn lắm tôi mới xin được bà cho tôi đi Bảo Lộc cái hè năm đó. Tôi đã phải chọn Blao để lưu ngụ 3 tuần nghỉ hè như một loài chim phải bay đến một nơi để tránh cái nóng. Hết hè đến tết. Chẳng lẻ nào tôi lại xin bà má nuôi đi Bảo Lộc một lần nữa trong những ngày tết này ? Chẳng lẻ nào tôi lại phải như một con chim “tránh Xuân” nữa hay sao? Ước chi tôi là chim để tôi có thể bay lên Bảo Lộc, bay về tổ.
Tôi đành phải ở với gia đình nuôi tết năm ấy-1976, lần đầu tiên tôi ăn tết xa nhà, lần đầu tiên tôi phải đóng kịch, phải dối lòng, phải phủ phàng với chính gia đình tôi. Tôi trình cho ông già nuôi cái giấy phép do trường cấp. Trên đó có ghi rỏ địa chỉ nơi đến: 20 A Võ Thị sáu - P: 4, Q: 1. Tôi thật thà đưa cho bà má nuôi hết những thứ tôi nhận từ trường, những cái gọi là “nhu yếu phẩm” như: hai bao thuốc lá, ½ kí đường, và một hộp bánh mức. Thằng em út trong nhà- Hải Dốt- là người thích tôi nhất vì nhiều lý do. Tôi có những điều nó thích. Tôi chịu uống cà phê với nó và nghe nó kể chuyện. Tôi uống rượu suốt với nó và chú ý nghe nó tếu suốt bửa nhậu. Vậy, với tôi, người bầu bạn quan trọng trong nhà là nó. Còn đối với nó, tôi là người nó cần để “đối ẩm”. Má tôi đâu có biết gói bánh tét nhưng hàng năm bà đặt một cái lò nấu bánh chuyên nghiệp gí cho 20 đòn. Năm ấy bà hỏi ý kiến trong nhà xem có nên đem các đòn bánh sống về nhà nấu hay không. Hải Dốt lên tiếng ngay,
“Má để con với anh Thành lo nấu nồi bánh tét cho.”
Bà già hóm hỉnh, nửa đùa nửa thật:
“Hai anh em vừa chụm lửa vừa nhậu mê luôn há?”
“Má để tụi con vui tết sớm chứ má.”
Thằng Hải đúng là người làm tôi “vui tết sớm”. Hai anh em tôi lo tìm ba cục gạch lớn để làm cái lò. Má tôi gọi người ta chở củi tràm đến. Tôi chẻ ra các khúc củi lớn. Ông già rất thích ngắm nhìn tôi làm việc, nhanh nhẩu, hiệu quả. Ông nhả nhặn nhờ tôi bưng lên lầu vài chậu kiểng cũ kĩ. Thằng Hải và tôi là hai tay năng nổ chịu cực nhất trong nhà. Tối giao thừa chỉ có nó với tôi ở nhà lo nồi bánh tét trong lúc những người khác đều có tiết mục, áp phe, hoặc hẹn hò để đi chơi hết. Người anh cả còn đang đi cải tạo. Ông anh ba gặp mặt lúc nào cũng nghe ảnh lè nhè. Người anh thứ tư- trách nhiệm nhất nhà- chú ý tôi nhất và đối xữ với tôi rất nhả nhặn. Anh thứ năm là một gã nghiện xì ke nặng. Anh thứ sáu và thằng thứ mười một đang ở bên Mỹ. Chị bảy duyên dáng, sắc sảo và chị ấy dè chừng tôi như một gã không lương thiện. Chị tám kiêu kỳ và có khi ra vẻ khi dể tôi. Thằng thứ chín- nhỏ hơn tôi một tuổi- đang học ĐH Nông Lâm, thích khoe khoang mọi thứ với tôi. Như Ngọc là cô em thứ mười- người thích chơi đàn ghita và âm thầm gần gủi tôi. Thằng thứ mười một cũng theo ông anh thứ sáu ra đi tại Tân Sơn Nhất ngay ngày 30 tháng 4. Hải Dốt- con út- là người có gần hết các tính cách, kinh nghiệm đời của các anh chị em trong gia đình trừ một điều: học lực và Anh Văn.
Trong khi canh nồi bánh tét, Hải kể cho tôi nghe hầu hết những biến cố trong gia đình này và riêng về cuộc đời nó. Gần với Hải được bao nhiêu là hiểu gia đình này được bấy nhiêu. Hải không tỏ ra ganh tị với tôi mà cũng không có vẻ nghi ngờ tôi vì nó tin vào phán xét của bà mẹ có nhiều kinh nghiệm. Tôi đang kể tóm tắc cho nó nghe về tôi khi pháo giao thừa nổ vang dội khu phố Đa Kao. Tiếng pháo như làm vở tung cái yên tỉnh trong lòng tôi, cái tĩnh mịch trong một cái hang xâu thẳm ở trong tôi. Gần như cả nhà chạy xuống lầu, ra đường ngắm nhìn, tận hưởng cái khoảng khắc đặc biệt nhất trong năm này. Chúng tôi tiếp tục nhâm nhi rượu thuốc với món đồ nhậu do chính tay bà già làm cho tới khi nồi bánh vừa chín và đồng hồ vừa gỏ ba tiếng.
Sáng mồng một, đến chừng 9 giờ, sau nhiều tiếng thúc giục của mẹ tôi, con cái trong nhà mới có mặt đầy đủ. Ông Bà già ngồi trước bàn thờ ông bà nội. Từng người con chúc tết. Vì anh Hai còn trong trại cải tạo, anh ba phải là người bắt đầu. Xong câu chúc thọ, ảnh ôm hôn ba, hôn má. Tôi bị choáng vì chưa bao giờ và sẽ không bao giờ tôi làm được điều ấy cả. Kế đến là ngưòi thứ tư và tôi được xếp sau thằng thứ chín. Tôi phải cố gắng lắm mới kềm được nước mắt sau khi tôi hôn ba má nuôi của tôi. Tôi nghẹn ngào,
“Con chúc ba má sống lâu trăm tuổi.”
Mẹ nuôi tôi kéo tôi xuống, hôn trán tôi,
“Má chúc con học giỏi. Vui vẻ nhe con, Thành Xì!”
Mọi người hoan hỉ và cười đùa trêu chọc nhau, đòi tiền lì xì hoặc lì xì nhau, trừ tôi ra. Hơi bị sổ mủi vì thức khuya ngoài trời tối hôm qua, tôi cảm thấy hơi buồn bả, mệt mỏi và cô đơn. Tôi bổng thèm được tự do. Tôi thèm muốn cái không khí thật hồn nhiên, thật vô tư, thật gia đình. Thất thểu lên lầu ba, vào phòng nằm một mình, nước mắt tôi trào ra như nước suối, chảy xuống gối. Tôi thở dài và nhắm mắt lại. Tôi cố quên đi mọi thứ. Tôi bất thình lình nhớ ra câu thơ, “Người buồn cảnh có vui đâu bao giờ.” Thằng cháu nội trai của ông bà- Ốc Tiêu- kêu tôi ơi ới:
“Chú Thành ơi, bà nội kêu chú xuống bà nội biểu.”
“Con nói với nội chú hơi bị cảm. Một lác nữa chú xuống nghe.”
“Chú Thành chưa lì xì cho con phải không?” Thằng nhóc bước vào phòng
“Ô kìa, chú quên mất rồi. Đây nhé! Chúc chú gì nè?”
“Con…chúc chú ở hoài trong nhà này.”Ốc Tiêu như hiểu thấu lòng tôi.
Tôi nửa cười thầm nửa khóc trong bụng. Thằng bé ngây thơ đâu biết rằng tôi có thể bị ai đó hất văng ra khỏi cái nhà này. Dẩu sao nó giúp tôi nhận ra một sự thật rằng,
“Đây có phải là nhà của ta đâu? Bà mẹ nuôi thì chỉ là bà mẹ nuôi đấy thôi. Ngày xuân, vui tết là của họ. Nào ta có thật sự có vui thú gì đâu!”
Hải thức dậy rất trể. Bạn nó đến chúc tết ông bà già và bọn chúng kéo nhau đi đánh bài. Như Ngọc, ít có bạn, lộ vẻ vui gượng gạo. Cô ta trở thành người gần với tôi trong lúc này. Hai đứa tôi ở trong phòng cùng với bà già xem T.V. Hai đứa tôi tự cảm thấy dường như trong mỗi người có mùa thu hay đông gì đấy. Bà già đành phải làm cái cầu nối cho chúng tôi:
“Tụi con rủ nhau đi đâu chơi đi! Ngọc có bạn đến chơi không? Thành muốn đi đâu không con? Má lì xì thêm cho tụi con nè. Thành vui không con? Một lác nữa hai đứa theo má lên thăm bà ngoại nhen.”
Tôi lí nhí trả lời bà và cố nhoẻn miệng cười nhưng trong lòng tôi chớm muốn khóc khi tôi đang tính trốn chạy khỏi cái nơi này. Tôi được bà yêu thương, che chở. Tôi xem Hải như em tôi. Như Ngọc hiền hậu và không có vẻ coi thường tôi. Những điều ấy không đủ khiến tôi vui. Việc đi đâu đó ở Sài Gòn này có làm tôi vui được không? Việc có một số tiền lì xì có thể gíup tôi vui lên chăng? Chỉ có việc đi Bảo Lộc- như việc về quê hương- mới có thể khiến tôi vui mà thôi.
Tôi như một tù nhân bị giam lỏng. Tôi như là kẻ đã tự trói buộc tay tôi lại. Tôi thèm tự do. Tôi cần một niềm vui thật. Tôi muốn thật sự mỉm cười. Tôi ao ước một bửa ăn đơn sơ nhưng thật ngon. Tôi đã hằng lâu nay thèm cái cảm giác rờn rợn khi cúng ông bà, đưa ông táo, lạy bàn ông thiên, đốt nhang, đốt pháo… Tôi trông chờ ngày hai mẹ con tôi thật sự ăn tết. Tôi mòn mỏi vì ngày ấy không biết khi nào mới đến với chúng tôi. Có ích gì khi ta phải đóng vai làm điều này việc kia mà ta thấy ngượng ngùng. Có hay ho gì khi ta hát một bài mà ta không cảm, người nghe không thích, không có một tiếng vỗ tay và không một lời bình phẩm. Có đáng gì một ngày mồng một, ba ngày tết với biết bao nhiêu sự chuẩn bị, tốn phí. Cái kịch bản nào cũng phải được diển viên đọc trước và đồng ý, đúng không? Tôi hình dung ra được cái tết phải như thế nào nhưng tôi không biết diển như ra sao cho phù hợp với vai trò của tôi ở đây- người con nuôi với một tâm trạng. Sự có mặt của tôi trong nhà hay không chỉ làm má nuôi của tôi bận tâm mà thôi. Hải có bạn của nó. Ngọc có mấy cái rào cản, ngay trong cái nhà này- liếc mắt, châm chọc, khích bác, mỗi khi nàng tỏ thân thiện hay đi chơi với tôi. Bà má nuôi của tôi còn có bao nhiêu khách phải tiếp, bao nhiêu nơi phải đi đến, bao nhiêu việc phải làm, bao nhiêu toan tính trong đầu. Tôi có phần trong tất cả những điều ấy.
Việc tôi xin phép bà má nuôi đi Bảo Lộc ngay sáng mồng hai tết trở thành điều dể hiểu, dể cảm thông và dể được mọi người trong cái gia đình đó chấp nhận. Má nuôi của tôi có lẻ thương tôi hoặc cảm thấy tội nghiệp cho tôi nhiều hơn.
Rạch Giá Feb7-10
Lương Ngọc Thành- Thành Xì TL 71-74
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
7 VERB TENSES IN SHORT PHRASES
7 VERBS TENSES IN SHORT PHRASES
Though I had learned for several years,
I understood a little.
I have got it through.
I have been learning very well.
I will speak fine.
I am feeling glad.
It’s great, isn’t it?
I had met her in a bus then I came to her home.
I fell in love with her daughter after 1 year.
She has been my God mother for 32 years.
I have been silently honoring her.
I’ll never forget her and whatever she did for me.
whatever did she do for me?
Now I am thinking of her.
I feel sorry for not making her happy.
She had called me then we e-mailed.
We actually needed each other.
We have told each other everything.
She has still been living with her husband.
She says that she will be here for me.
She is feeling down.
I become better after all.
They had loved truly.
They got married.
They have been living happily.
They are taking my English lessons at home.
They have understood everything I teach them.
They say they will move to SG to work there.
They feel worried now.
I had examined her and found that she was fine.
She has been in hospital since last night.
Dr. John has been checking on her.
He thinks she will be released soon.
We are exchanging ideas about her health.
We feel all right.
Though I had learned for several years,
I understood a little.
I have got it through.
I have been learning very well.
I will speak fine.
I am feeling glad.
It’s great, isn’t it?
I had met her in a bus then I came to her home.
I fell in love with her daughter after 1 year.
She has been my God mother for 32 years.
I have been silently honoring her.
I’ll never forget her and whatever she did for me.
whatever did she do for me?
Now I am thinking of her.
I feel sorry for not making her happy.
She had called me then we e-mailed.
We actually needed each other.
We have told each other everything.
She has still been living with her husband.
She says that she will be here for me.
She is feeling down.
I become better after all.
They had loved truly.
They got married.
They have been living happily.
They are taking my English lessons at home.
They have understood everything I teach them.
They say they will move to SG to work there.
They feel worried now.
I had examined her and found that she was fine.
She has been in hospital since last night.
Dr. John has been checking on her.
He thinks she will be released soon.
We are exchanging ideas about her health.
We feel all right.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
THE UNFORGETABLE NEW YEARS' EVE- 2
On the Blao plateau, there are several species of wild flowers usually called Hoa Quy, Mai Anh Dao. They are in full blooms in lunar year season yellowing the paths, roads around town. Dai Binh mountain lies 900 meters above sea level on the right hand side of Ma Chanh’s. It is associated with a mysterious love affair of someone settling there after having leaving their home. From Ma Chanh’s, Dai Binh looks like a mother holding her beloved dying son wearing scarf- a round white moggy circle every early morning, causing more feelings of home sickness.
I went to see Long kh’mer on the way heading to Dai Binh mountain. His home ,lying in the front of the procincial grave yard, was small, uncomfortable but filled with love, understanding and with what I lacked- parental care- the everlasting passionate happiness of a family which I haven’t really enjoyed. It doesn’t mater to me if it is in the bad condition or if the family business is bad. Thi’s and Long’s families were something I wished to be in, to have, to work for and to die for.
“Is anybody home?” I asked while knocking on the door.
“Is that you, Thanh Xi?” a woman, his third sister, replied pointing at me.
“Coming to see Long? When did you arrive? Come on in.”she showed me how hospitable she was.
I went inside telling her what I wanted and why I came back. She told me Long had recently left home for Can Tho. Looking at me, she wondered:
“What the hell brought you here?”
After hearing my migratory trip this time, she caught her breath in a soundless gasp advicing me:
“Inspite of Long’s absence, we’re very pleased to have you here with us this time and anytime you could come.”
I was deeply indebted to Long’ charming sister for pushing the assignment off my way. Wasn’t that a rather humanitarian attitude? I wished I had been Long or I could have been able to subtitude his position. As any creatures in the world, I needed a shelter somewhere. Where would that be? Was it gone? Who took it away from me?
I said goodbye and sadly left having forgotten to say hi to the family. I became as childish as a thirteen year-old boy behaved.
I came back to Thi’s feeling so lost and alone that I could not realize it was spring. I was convinced that happiness could lie in a man himself and it could depend not only on the course of his life but also on his inner world.
“Sadness should not be exaggerated by thinking about it.” I adviced myself feeling a bit better, to get along with the current situation.
The weather in Bao Loc turned out to be abnormal late these days. One night, the temperature reached down at 12 degrees Celcius. On the following days, the cold wind swept through the town making such a change and giving me such an unspoken grief.
Dropping a spoon of sugar into his cup of hot coffee, stirring it steadily, father Chanh said to me:
“The first thing for you to make your life happy is to accept yourself as you are.”
The smoke around the table was so dense that I felt the red color of my heart suddently turn into dark violet. After taking a sip of coffee, which had been cool down, I replied:
“Do you mean to say that it is the time I revaluated the real meaning of what I have been doing?”
All of a sudden, he said:
“Every man must do 2 things alone. He must do his own believing and his own dying.”
Looking at me remain quiet, he went on slowly:
“Everyone has to know the ache of unfullilment in some areas, the sadness that comes when life moves in such an unanticipated direction.”
I felt as if nothing was happening outwardly.
“No darkness has ever been as deep as the one that surrounds you when you feel unsure about your parental love. Parents have a powerful impact on the lives of their children. And one of the most important things one can learn outside the fact that he can survive himself is that his parents love and accept him, not forget him.”
Tonight, the last night of the year, new year’s Eve, there were only 2 men in the home, Ba Chanh and me, sitting by an open cooker, while having coffee, chatting about what we felt and other things. I used to be taciturn but now he- feeling close to me- made me speak up. I enthusiatically told him about almost everything he had wanted to hear but not my parents as if they had been dead. Ba Chanh went to bed leaving alone at about 11- an hour before the new year’s Eve. Unlike almost the others, they did not celebrate anything special. Ma Chanh had told me:
“Make your self at home. Enjoy yourself, son.”
Now, physically I was alone but mentally I had been for so long. I brought out my guitar to keep me company. Being near the fire burning hard, I felt warm enough to move my fingers. I began to play some of my favorite pieces. Had it not been for my current suituation, I would have played something more interesting. Had I not been here, I would have come with Long to Can Tho. I wished I were dead if my dying could heal my Mom’s injuries or bring my parents back. I felt the overwhelming presence of my loneliness grasping at my heart and my mind. I wanted to give a loud cry, to use my crying to startle who could hear it or whoever understand me. Those trapped in the darkness of happiness now could have a light-bearer to illuminate their way to happiness like what I could. The music I played could wake someone up or at least make someone think of unexplainable feelings. I wondered if there was something I could do to avoid the situation but there was none. Who would be involved in my case? Who would be able to face such an unbelievable disappoinment?
It was a pain of having to say I had to suffer what I had never expected. What a devasting blow to my expectations. I recognized the social consequences, public opinions or secret fears. I recalled of some lines I read once:
“When you confront a situation that does not line up with your understanding
of how life wants your life to proceed, you are forced to stop and look for directions. Sometimes you allow yourself to be disappointed in personal expectations so that you will learn to rely on life itself fully. You never have to be the victim of your feelings.”
That was what I did- listening to myself and moving ahead. My staying there that night revealed some key principles for turning disappoinment into a joyful new direction. I was willing to forgive those making me hurtful but I was not sure what to do about it.
I kept remembering another piece:
“When someone’s inconsideration or offenses bring hurt into your experience, you can allow yourself to bring healing to the situation by forgiving. The withered and dead-feeling places in your heart, the scars of old disappoinments will melt away in your restoring love. You can not hold on to pain and remembrances of former hurts. We hold our future in our hands.”
I began thinking about how I would no longer be doing what I had done for a long time. Suddenly, I felt as though a part of me was dying. At first, I tried to ignore it by pushing it away. But that did not ease my grief. Then I realized I was able to do so by letting it be, by accepting what to come to subtitude it or at least to mix it.
The wood was burning hard as my mind was working out what was wrong inside of me. The time went by as my sadness did. I didn’t know how to deal with it but somehow I just let it go. I could describe how I felt that night but I truly did release myself . I understood what I was facing, how much love I needed, But I could not figure out how much love my parents assigned for me and how they could do what they had been doing. Then I found out if I had tried to expain to the rest of my life, they would never have understood.
The feelings I had that night there are still in my heart as the experiences I earned are here to be read.
Rach Gia 9-1- 11
Luong Ngoc Thanh
I went to see Long kh’mer on the way heading to Dai Binh mountain. His home ,lying in the front of the procincial grave yard, was small, uncomfortable but filled with love, understanding and with what I lacked- parental care- the everlasting passionate happiness of a family which I haven’t really enjoyed. It doesn’t mater to me if it is in the bad condition or if the family business is bad. Thi’s and Long’s families were something I wished to be in, to have, to work for and to die for.
“Is anybody home?” I asked while knocking on the door.
“Is that you, Thanh Xi?” a woman, his third sister, replied pointing at me.
“Coming to see Long? When did you arrive? Come on in.”she showed me how hospitable she was.
I went inside telling her what I wanted and why I came back. She told me Long had recently left home for Can Tho. Looking at me, she wondered:
“What the hell brought you here?”
After hearing my migratory trip this time, she caught her breath in a soundless gasp advicing me:
“Inspite of Long’s absence, we’re very pleased to have you here with us this time and anytime you could come.”
I was deeply indebted to Long’ charming sister for pushing the assignment off my way. Wasn’t that a rather humanitarian attitude? I wished I had been Long or I could have been able to subtitude his position. As any creatures in the world, I needed a shelter somewhere. Where would that be? Was it gone? Who took it away from me?
I said goodbye and sadly left having forgotten to say hi to the family. I became as childish as a thirteen year-old boy behaved.
I came back to Thi’s feeling so lost and alone that I could not realize it was spring. I was convinced that happiness could lie in a man himself and it could depend not only on the course of his life but also on his inner world.
“Sadness should not be exaggerated by thinking about it.” I adviced myself feeling a bit better, to get along with the current situation.
The weather in Bao Loc turned out to be abnormal late these days. One night, the temperature reached down at 12 degrees Celcius. On the following days, the cold wind swept through the town making such a change and giving me such an unspoken grief.
Dropping a spoon of sugar into his cup of hot coffee, stirring it steadily, father Chanh said to me:
“The first thing for you to make your life happy is to accept yourself as you are.”
The smoke around the table was so dense that I felt the red color of my heart suddently turn into dark violet. After taking a sip of coffee, which had been cool down, I replied:
“Do you mean to say that it is the time I revaluated the real meaning of what I have been doing?”
All of a sudden, he said:
“Every man must do 2 things alone. He must do his own believing and his own dying.”
Looking at me remain quiet, he went on slowly:
“Everyone has to know the ache of unfullilment in some areas, the sadness that comes when life moves in such an unanticipated direction.”
I felt as if nothing was happening outwardly.
“No darkness has ever been as deep as the one that surrounds you when you feel unsure about your parental love. Parents have a powerful impact on the lives of their children. And one of the most important things one can learn outside the fact that he can survive himself is that his parents love and accept him, not forget him.”
Tonight, the last night of the year, new year’s Eve, there were only 2 men in the home, Ba Chanh and me, sitting by an open cooker, while having coffee, chatting about what we felt and other things. I used to be taciturn but now he- feeling close to me- made me speak up. I enthusiatically told him about almost everything he had wanted to hear but not my parents as if they had been dead. Ba Chanh went to bed leaving alone at about 11- an hour before the new year’s Eve. Unlike almost the others, they did not celebrate anything special. Ma Chanh had told me:
“Make your self at home. Enjoy yourself, son.”
Now, physically I was alone but mentally I had been for so long. I brought out my guitar to keep me company. Being near the fire burning hard, I felt warm enough to move my fingers. I began to play some of my favorite pieces. Had it not been for my current suituation, I would have played something more interesting. Had I not been here, I would have come with Long to Can Tho. I wished I were dead if my dying could heal my Mom’s injuries or bring my parents back. I felt the overwhelming presence of my loneliness grasping at my heart and my mind. I wanted to give a loud cry, to use my crying to startle who could hear it or whoever understand me. Those trapped in the darkness of happiness now could have a light-bearer to illuminate their way to happiness like what I could. The music I played could wake someone up or at least make someone think of unexplainable feelings. I wondered if there was something I could do to avoid the situation but there was none. Who would be involved in my case? Who would be able to face such an unbelievable disappoinment?
It was a pain of having to say I had to suffer what I had never expected. What a devasting blow to my expectations. I recognized the social consequences, public opinions or secret fears. I recalled of some lines I read once:
“When you confront a situation that does not line up with your understanding
of how life wants your life to proceed, you are forced to stop and look for directions. Sometimes you allow yourself to be disappointed in personal expectations so that you will learn to rely on life itself fully. You never have to be the victim of your feelings.”
That was what I did- listening to myself and moving ahead. My staying there that night revealed some key principles for turning disappoinment into a joyful new direction. I was willing to forgive those making me hurtful but I was not sure what to do about it.
I kept remembering another piece:
“When someone’s inconsideration or offenses bring hurt into your experience, you can allow yourself to bring healing to the situation by forgiving. The withered and dead-feeling places in your heart, the scars of old disappoinments will melt away in your restoring love. You can not hold on to pain and remembrances of former hurts. We hold our future in our hands.”
I began thinking about how I would no longer be doing what I had done for a long time. Suddenly, I felt as though a part of me was dying. At first, I tried to ignore it by pushing it away. But that did not ease my grief. Then I realized I was able to do so by letting it be, by accepting what to come to subtitude it or at least to mix it.
The wood was burning hard as my mind was working out what was wrong inside of me. The time went by as my sadness did. I didn’t know how to deal with it but somehow I just let it go. I could describe how I felt that night but I truly did release myself . I understood what I was facing, how much love I needed, But I could not figure out how much love my parents assigned for me and how they could do what they had been doing. Then I found out if I had tried to expain to the rest of my life, they would never have understood.
The feelings I had that night there are still in my heart as the experiences I earned are here to be read.
Rach Gia 9-1- 11
Luong Ngoc Thanh
THE UNFORGETABLE NEW YEARS' EVE
THE UNFORGETABLE NEW YEAR’S EVE
People have things either to remember or to forget, so do I. But that night must be different than that of all the others’.
There is a time of apprehenion which begins with the beginning of the darkness, and to which only the speech of love can lend security. It is there, in abeyance, at the end of everyday, not urgent enough to be given the name of fear but rather of concern for how the hours are to be reprieved from fear, and those who have forgotten how it was when they were. Young men could remember nothing of it.
It may begin a few days before the lunar year in 1977. I was in charge of buying bus tickets for those in my university who were coming home for Tet festival including mine. I was supposed to do so as I had been to Dalat so many times that I was believed to be born there to be living there. Actually, I was born in Sai Gon and was living in CanTho and precisely just came back to Bao Loc where I had found a peaceful shelter- a happy family of one of my classmates- Thi Lun.
The only thing that time was just for my classmates who had known I had been involved with a wonderful girl- my God mother’s youngest daughter. They were delighted to be informed that I had a very good relationship with that family which I found very important. On the contrary, they didn’t know why I had never told them anything about my blood mother. There was nothing I wouldn’t do to make myself happy but there was one thing I would never be able to rebuild up, the terrible loss of my family, an irresponsible, a run away borther, a fled sister and a lonely mother who once hurt me mentally deeply. My God mother religiously believed that I was bought to her family by the will of God. She considered the day we met was created by God’s spirit. I won her daughter’s heart as soon as she met me. The more we were together, the better our relation ship would seem to be. Nohing in the world could stop her from falling in love with me when I was showing her I was independable enough, strong enough and brave enough to stand up in the stormy world. Neither she nor I closed our eyes to the fact that there were rumors, prejudice against us as well as our love affair. Almost all family members tried to stop me from becoming one of them. One of them suceeded in hurting my feeling, preventing me from coming back there. So, I went to Bao Loc borrowing Thi’s family’s happiness, getting through Tet, creating a rumor that I might have been thinking of one of Thi’s three sisters.
As I had been warmly welcome the previous times, I felt at home as soon as I arrived in Bao Loc. The father greeted me in a very friendly way. We shook hands and as quickly as a young man could, he brought a bottle of wine from the cupboard to offer me a welcoming- home cup of wine. I drank it as a beloved son did to swallow the feeling of pleasure. He afterward showed me how the home was prepared for such an occasion as he had recently been released from a re-education camp. He told me what he had been told about me ranging from working well in a couple of vacation, getting along well with anyone in the family, practicing football with Thi, doing no harm, causing no bad effects. In brief, my coimg there was as good as that of a blood son’s.
“Stay over here, son, we’d be happy to have you here with us.” said the father with hospitality.
“That’s very gracious of you, pa. Believe me. I appreciate it.” I replied heartedly.
We chatted for a while Ma Chanh was watching him having a good time with me who was obviously pleasantly impressed with the atmosphere, completely at ease, sipping the drink.
“You look possively haggard.” said Ma Chanh smiling at me.
“You’d better get some rest, son.”
I drew a soundless breath and went tense and my emotion stirred as I had heard them call me “son”. I physically and mentally felt better but obeyed what they asked me to do. I went inside washing my dirty and dusty face. Tears fell on my wet face as I recalled of my blood Mom in Can Tho. The tears made my eyes red so I felt embarrassed when hearing the girls’ yelling.
“Look! who is coming with us? Is that you, Brother Thanh Xi?
The youngest first skipped toward me following the other two. They surrounded me asking me for their gifts, hugging me lovingly. Lady, the youngest looked as if nothing in her mind could be compared with the joy of seeing me. She said curtly:
“Isn’t it customary to be naturally home for Tet festival, is it?”
Another went on:
“You’d better promise not to go anywhere afterward. You’re welcome.”
The other added:
“Would you be pleased to stay home in the new year’s Eve? We all will be attending the festival at the provincial millitary base to be with the army troop there.”
She went on giving me a nice smile:
“Would you stay home that night?”
“Me?” I asked.”Who do you think I mean? Oh, You mean you will be gone by then, do you?”
Ma Chanh appeared on time explaining:
“ They are all the youth cultural house’s members to do so. Isn’t time to have dinner? Bring the best food fot your brother, girls.”
I wished I would be there for good and I also wished my blood parents would treat me the same way. During dinner, they kept asking me how I had been studying, what I had eaten, how many years ahead I would go through to finish my college education. Ma Chanh was wondering if I would be interested in working here after my graduation. Ba Chanh who used to be tender, contended and taciturn dropped me some wine, giving some food which my blood father had never done. They all wanted to know if I would marry Ngoc or not. Whatever I heard, told and was asked might be what I would like to hear to tell and to be asked at my real home.
That night I silently cried as much as a young guy losing his best thing in life often did while almost the others felt like living in their own heaven on Earth.
People have things either to remember or to forget, so do I. But that night must be different than that of all the others’.
There is a time of apprehenion which begins with the beginning of the darkness, and to which only the speech of love can lend security. It is there, in abeyance, at the end of everyday, not urgent enough to be given the name of fear but rather of concern for how the hours are to be reprieved from fear, and those who have forgotten how it was when they were. Young men could remember nothing of it.
It may begin a few days before the lunar year in 1977. I was in charge of buying bus tickets for those in my university who were coming home for Tet festival including mine. I was supposed to do so as I had been to Dalat so many times that I was believed to be born there to be living there. Actually, I was born in Sai Gon and was living in CanTho and precisely just came back to Bao Loc where I had found a peaceful shelter- a happy family of one of my classmates- Thi Lun.
The only thing that time was just for my classmates who had known I had been involved with a wonderful girl- my God mother’s youngest daughter. They were delighted to be informed that I had a very good relationship with that family which I found very important. On the contrary, they didn’t know why I had never told them anything about my blood mother. There was nothing I wouldn’t do to make myself happy but there was one thing I would never be able to rebuild up, the terrible loss of my family, an irresponsible, a run away borther, a fled sister and a lonely mother who once hurt me mentally deeply. My God mother religiously believed that I was bought to her family by the will of God. She considered the day we met was created by God’s spirit. I won her daughter’s heart as soon as she met me. The more we were together, the better our relation ship would seem to be. Nohing in the world could stop her from falling in love with me when I was showing her I was independable enough, strong enough and brave enough to stand up in the stormy world. Neither she nor I closed our eyes to the fact that there were rumors, prejudice against us as well as our love affair. Almost all family members tried to stop me from becoming one of them. One of them suceeded in hurting my feeling, preventing me from coming back there. So, I went to Bao Loc borrowing Thi’s family’s happiness, getting through Tet, creating a rumor that I might have been thinking of one of Thi’s three sisters.
As I had been warmly welcome the previous times, I felt at home as soon as I arrived in Bao Loc. The father greeted me in a very friendly way. We shook hands and as quickly as a young man could, he brought a bottle of wine from the cupboard to offer me a welcoming- home cup of wine. I drank it as a beloved son did to swallow the feeling of pleasure. He afterward showed me how the home was prepared for such an occasion as he had recently been released from a re-education camp. He told me what he had been told about me ranging from working well in a couple of vacation, getting along well with anyone in the family, practicing football with Thi, doing no harm, causing no bad effects. In brief, my coimg there was as good as that of a blood son’s.
“Stay over here, son, we’d be happy to have you here with us.” said the father with hospitality.
“That’s very gracious of you, pa. Believe me. I appreciate it.” I replied heartedly.
We chatted for a while Ma Chanh was watching him having a good time with me who was obviously pleasantly impressed with the atmosphere, completely at ease, sipping the drink.
“You look possively haggard.” said Ma Chanh smiling at me.
“You’d better get some rest, son.”
I drew a soundless breath and went tense and my emotion stirred as I had heard them call me “son”. I physically and mentally felt better but obeyed what they asked me to do. I went inside washing my dirty and dusty face. Tears fell on my wet face as I recalled of my blood Mom in Can Tho. The tears made my eyes red so I felt embarrassed when hearing the girls’ yelling.
“Look! who is coming with us? Is that you, Brother Thanh Xi?
The youngest first skipped toward me following the other two. They surrounded me asking me for their gifts, hugging me lovingly. Lady, the youngest looked as if nothing in her mind could be compared with the joy of seeing me. She said curtly:
“Isn’t it customary to be naturally home for Tet festival, is it?”
Another went on:
“You’d better promise not to go anywhere afterward. You’re welcome.”
The other added:
“Would you be pleased to stay home in the new year’s Eve? We all will be attending the festival at the provincial millitary base to be with the army troop there.”
She went on giving me a nice smile:
“Would you stay home that night?”
“Me?” I asked.”Who do you think I mean? Oh, You mean you will be gone by then, do you?”
Ma Chanh appeared on time explaining:
“ They are all the youth cultural house’s members to do so. Isn’t time to have dinner? Bring the best food fot your brother, girls.”
I wished I would be there for good and I also wished my blood parents would treat me the same way. During dinner, they kept asking me how I had been studying, what I had eaten, how many years ahead I would go through to finish my college education. Ma Chanh was wondering if I would be interested in working here after my graduation. Ba Chanh who used to be tender, contended and taciturn dropped me some wine, giving some food which my blood father had never done. They all wanted to know if I would marry Ngoc or not. Whatever I heard, told and was asked might be what I would like to hear to tell and to be asked at my real home.
That night I silently cried as much as a young guy losing his best thing in life often did while almost the others felt like living in their own heaven on Earth.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
THE NEW YEAR'S EVE
THE NEW YEAR’s EVE
On the Blao plateau, there are several species of wild flowers usually called Hoa Quy, Mai Anh Dao. They are in full blooms in lunar year season yellowing the paths, roads around town. Dai Binh mountain lies 9oo meters above sea level on the right hand side of Ma Chanh’s. It is associated with a mysterious love affair of someone settling there after having leaving their home. From Ma Chanh’s, Dai Binh looks like a mother holding her beloved dying son wearing scarf- a round white moggy circle every early morning, cuasing more feelings of home sickness.
I went to see Long kh’mer on the way heading to Dai Binh mountain. His home ,lying in the front of the procincial grave yard, was small, uncomfortable but filled with love, understanding and with what I lacked- parental care, the everlasting passionate happiness of a family which I haven’t really enjoyed. It doesn’t mater to me if it is in the bad condition or if the family business is bad. Thi’s and Long’s family were something I wished to be in, to have, to work for and to die for.
“Is anybody home?” I asked while knocking on the door.
“ Is that you, Thanh Xi?” a woman, his third sister, replied pointing at me.
“Coming to see Long? When did you arrive? Come on in.”she showed me how hospitable she was.
I went inside telling her what I wanted and why I came back. She told me Long had recently left home for Can Tho. Looking at me, she wondered:
“What the hell brought you here?”
After hearing my migratory trip this time, she caught her breath in a soundless gasp advicing me:
“Inspite of Long’s absence, we’re very pleased to have you here with us this time and anytime you could come.”
I was deeply indebted to Long’ charming sister for pushing the assignment off my way. Wasn’t that a rather humanitarian attitude? I wished I had been Long or I could have been able to subtitude his position. As any creatures in the world, I needed a shelter somewhere. Where would that be? Was it gone? Who took it away from me?
I said goodbye and sadly left having forgotten to say hi to the family. I became as childish as a thirteen year-old boy behaved.
I came back to Thi’s feeling so lost and alone that I could not realize it was spring time. I was convinced that happiness could lie in a man himself and it could depend not only on the course of his life but also on his inner world.
“Sadness should not be exaggerated by thinking about it.” I adviced myself feeling a bit better, to get along with the current situation.
The weather in Bao Loc turned out to be abnormal later these days. One night, the temperature reached down at 12 degrees Celcius. On the following days, the cold wind swept through the town making such a change and giving me such an unspoken grief.
Dropping a spoon of sugar into his cup of hot coffee, stirring it steadily, Ba Chanh said to me:
“The first thing for you to make your life happy is to accept yourself as you are.”
The smoke around the table was so dense that I felt the red color of my heart suddently turn into dark violet. After taking a sip of coffee, which had been cool down, I replied:
“Do you mean to say that it is the time I revaluated the real meaning of what I have been doing?”
All of a sudden, he said:
“Every man must do 2 things alone. He must do his own believing and his own dying.” Looking at me remain quiet, he went on slowly:
“Everyone has to know the ache of unfullilment in some areas, the sadness that comes when life moves in such an unanticipated direction.”
I felt as if nothing was happening outwardly. “No darkness has ever been as deep as the one that surrounds you when you feel unsure about your parental love. Parents have a powerful impact on the lives of their children. And one of the most important things one can learn outside the fact that he can survive himself is that his parents love and accept him, not to forget him.”
Tonight the last night of a year, new year’Eve, there were only 2 men in the home, Ba Chanh and me, sitting by an open cooker, while having coffee, chatting about what we felt and other things. I used to be taciturn but now he- feeling close to me- made me speak up. I enthusiatically told him about almost everything he wanted to hear but not my parents as if they had been dead. Ba Chanh went to bed leaving alone at about 11- an hour before the new year’s Eve. Unlike almost the others, they did not celebrate anything special. Ma Chanh had told me:
“Make your self at home. Enjoy yourself, son.”
Now, physically I was alone but mentally I had been for so long. I brought out my guitar to keep me company. Being near the fire burning hard, I felt warm enough to move my fingers. I began to play some of my favorite pieces. Had it not been for my current suituation, I would have played something more interesting. Had I not been here, I would have come with Long to Can Tho. I wished I were dead if my dying could heal my Mom’s injuries or biring my parents back. I felt the overwhelming presence of my loneliness grasping at my heart and my mind. I wanted to give a loud cry, to use my crying to startle who could hear it or whoever understand me. Those trapped in the darkness of happiness now could have a light-bearer to illuminate their way to happiness like what I could. The music I played could wake someone up or at least make someone think of unexplainable feelings. I wondered if there was something I could do to avoid the situation but there was none. Who would be involved in my case? Who would be able to face such an unbelievable disappoinment?
It was a pain of having to say I had to suffer what I had never expected. What a devasting blow to my expectations. I recognized the social consequences, public opinions or secret fears. I recalled of some line I read once:
“When you confront a situation that does not line up with your understanding
of how life wants your life to proceed, you are forced to stop and look for directions. Sometimes you allow your self to be disappointed in personal expectations so that you will learn to rely on life itself fully. You never have to be the victim of your feelings.”
That was what I did listening to myself and moving ahead. My staying there that night revealed some key principles for turning disappoinment into a joyful new direction. I was willing to forgive those making me hurtful but I was not sure what to do about it.
I kept remembering another piece: “ When someone’s inconsideration or offenses bring hurt into your experience, you can allow yourself to bring healing to the situation by forgiving. The withered and dead-feeling places in your heart, the scars of old disappoinments will melt away in your restoring love. You can not hold on to pain and remembrances of former hurts. We hold our future in our hands.”
I began thinking about how I would no longer be doing what Ihad done for a long time. Suddenly, I felt as though a part of me was dying. At first, I tried to ignore it by pushing it away. But that did not ease my grief. Then I realized I was able to do so by letting it be, by accepting what to come to subtitude it or at least to mix it.
The wood was burning hard as my mind was working out what was wrong inside of me. The time went by as my sadness did. I didn’t know how to deal wit it but somehow I just let it go. I could describe how I felt that night but I truly did release myself . I understood what I was facing, how much love I needed, But I could not figure out how much love my parents assigned for me and how they could do what they had been doing. Then I found out if I had tried to expain to the rest of my life, they would never have understood.
The feelings I had that night there are still in my heart as the experiences I earned are here to be read.
Rach Gia 2-2 10
Luong Ngoc Thanh
Thanh Xi TL 71-74
On the Blao plateau, there are several species of wild flowers usually called Hoa Quy, Mai Anh Dao. They are in full blooms in lunar year season yellowing the paths, roads around town. Dai Binh mountain lies 9oo meters above sea level on the right hand side of Ma Chanh’s. It is associated with a mysterious love affair of someone settling there after having leaving their home. From Ma Chanh’s, Dai Binh looks like a mother holding her beloved dying son wearing scarf- a round white moggy circle every early morning, cuasing more feelings of home sickness.
I went to see Long kh’mer on the way heading to Dai Binh mountain. His home ,lying in the front of the procincial grave yard, was small, uncomfortable but filled with love, understanding and with what I lacked- parental care, the everlasting passionate happiness of a family which I haven’t really enjoyed. It doesn’t mater to me if it is in the bad condition or if the family business is bad. Thi’s and Long’s family were something I wished to be in, to have, to work for and to die for.
“Is anybody home?” I asked while knocking on the door.
“ Is that you, Thanh Xi?” a woman, his third sister, replied pointing at me.
“Coming to see Long? When did you arrive? Come on in.”she showed me how hospitable she was.
I went inside telling her what I wanted and why I came back. She told me Long had recently left home for Can Tho. Looking at me, she wondered:
“What the hell brought you here?”
After hearing my migratory trip this time, she caught her breath in a soundless gasp advicing me:
“Inspite of Long’s absence, we’re very pleased to have you here with us this time and anytime you could come.”
I was deeply indebted to Long’ charming sister for pushing the assignment off my way. Wasn’t that a rather humanitarian attitude? I wished I had been Long or I could have been able to subtitude his position. As any creatures in the world, I needed a shelter somewhere. Where would that be? Was it gone? Who took it away from me?
I said goodbye and sadly left having forgotten to say hi to the family. I became as childish as a thirteen year-old boy behaved.
I came back to Thi’s feeling so lost and alone that I could not realize it was spring time. I was convinced that happiness could lie in a man himself and it could depend not only on the course of his life but also on his inner world.
“Sadness should not be exaggerated by thinking about it.” I adviced myself feeling a bit better, to get along with the current situation.
The weather in Bao Loc turned out to be abnormal later these days. One night, the temperature reached down at 12 degrees Celcius. On the following days, the cold wind swept through the town making such a change and giving me such an unspoken grief.
Dropping a spoon of sugar into his cup of hot coffee, stirring it steadily, Ba Chanh said to me:
“The first thing for you to make your life happy is to accept yourself as you are.”
The smoke around the table was so dense that I felt the red color of my heart suddently turn into dark violet. After taking a sip of coffee, which had been cool down, I replied:
“Do you mean to say that it is the time I revaluated the real meaning of what I have been doing?”
All of a sudden, he said:
“Every man must do 2 things alone. He must do his own believing and his own dying.” Looking at me remain quiet, he went on slowly:
“Everyone has to know the ache of unfullilment in some areas, the sadness that comes when life moves in such an unanticipated direction.”
I felt as if nothing was happening outwardly. “No darkness has ever been as deep as the one that surrounds you when you feel unsure about your parental love. Parents have a powerful impact on the lives of their children. And one of the most important things one can learn outside the fact that he can survive himself is that his parents love and accept him, not to forget him.”
Tonight the last night of a year, new year’Eve, there were only 2 men in the home, Ba Chanh and me, sitting by an open cooker, while having coffee, chatting about what we felt and other things. I used to be taciturn but now he- feeling close to me- made me speak up. I enthusiatically told him about almost everything he wanted to hear but not my parents as if they had been dead. Ba Chanh went to bed leaving alone at about 11- an hour before the new year’s Eve. Unlike almost the others, they did not celebrate anything special. Ma Chanh had told me:
“Make your self at home. Enjoy yourself, son.”
Now, physically I was alone but mentally I had been for so long. I brought out my guitar to keep me company. Being near the fire burning hard, I felt warm enough to move my fingers. I began to play some of my favorite pieces. Had it not been for my current suituation, I would have played something more interesting. Had I not been here, I would have come with Long to Can Tho. I wished I were dead if my dying could heal my Mom’s injuries or biring my parents back. I felt the overwhelming presence of my loneliness grasping at my heart and my mind. I wanted to give a loud cry, to use my crying to startle who could hear it or whoever understand me. Those trapped in the darkness of happiness now could have a light-bearer to illuminate their way to happiness like what I could. The music I played could wake someone up or at least make someone think of unexplainable feelings. I wondered if there was something I could do to avoid the situation but there was none. Who would be involved in my case? Who would be able to face such an unbelievable disappoinment?
It was a pain of having to say I had to suffer what I had never expected. What a devasting blow to my expectations. I recognized the social consequences, public opinions or secret fears. I recalled of some line I read once:
“When you confront a situation that does not line up with your understanding
of how life wants your life to proceed, you are forced to stop and look for directions. Sometimes you allow your self to be disappointed in personal expectations so that you will learn to rely on life itself fully. You never have to be the victim of your feelings.”
That was what I did listening to myself and moving ahead. My staying there that night revealed some key principles for turning disappoinment into a joyful new direction. I was willing to forgive those making me hurtful but I was not sure what to do about it.
I kept remembering another piece: “ When someone’s inconsideration or offenses bring hurt into your experience, you can allow yourself to bring healing to the situation by forgiving. The withered and dead-feeling places in your heart, the scars of old disappoinments will melt away in your restoring love. You can not hold on to pain and remembrances of former hurts. We hold our future in our hands.”
I began thinking about how I would no longer be doing what Ihad done for a long time. Suddenly, I felt as though a part of me was dying. At first, I tried to ignore it by pushing it away. But that did not ease my grief. Then I realized I was able to do so by letting it be, by accepting what to come to subtitude it or at least to mix it.
The wood was burning hard as my mind was working out what was wrong inside of me. The time went by as my sadness did. I didn’t know how to deal wit it but somehow I just let it go. I could describe how I felt that night but I truly did release myself . I understood what I was facing, how much love I needed, But I could not figure out how much love my parents assigned for me and how they could do what they had been doing. Then I found out if I had tried to expain to the rest of my life, they would never have understood.
The feelings I had that night there are still in my heart as the experiences I earned are here to be read.
Rach Gia 2-2 10
Luong Ngoc Thanh
Thanh Xi TL 71-74
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
GARY- SUCH A GUY cont
For the new year’s Eve, I asked him to join my class celebration at Son Thuy restaurant at 394 Vo Van Tan St. Having been told earlier, all of my learners enjoyed talking to him. I started the party by making a short speech and to everyone’s surprises, I withdrew a roll of paper from my pocket on which I had written a question in large words:
“What is your new year resolution?”
Gary was supposed to be the first to answer. He said smiling,
“Not making mistakes of finding a girl friend.”
Then I asked him to ask another. We took turn doing that and we all felt great. My reply was:
“Never miss any final sounds”
I pleased Gary that way as he had always been concerned about the matter.
Gary tried to be friendly with one of my learners and he took her a restaurant, a coffee shop and they had a good time. I introduced him to teach at where I was teaching and he was very welcome. We became partners. Dr. Hau, one of my former learners paid and treated us well and advertised us. We were invited to be the co-founders of a speaking club at Binh Dan hospital. Hung was so happy with what we had been doing that he offered us a trip to a fresh-sea food restaurant in Long Thanh. During the trip, he and I took turn asking responding to show Hung and his young employees how to learn to practice and I showed them the way I improved my English. Gary made such a good joke that Hung really enjoyed. We deserved being offered what Hung was paying for.
Failing to apply for my TESOL course, not making enough money for a family of 4, hearing my daughter starting her puberty, being concerned about what would be worse, I decided to go back home. Before leaving Gary, I had assigned an email. Till the last class I was in charge, I kept quiet. The following early morning, I emailed him. He phoned me as soon as he got it. He sympathized with my decision and reassured that he would welcome me back. Gary recognized a lack of my income that month so he asked my son- Canon- to meet him and he gave my son what would be called a gift of friend ship: 2 million dong.
Three months after I had left him, Gary had a big health problem. His sister encouraged him to go home and he did. On that day, not wanting to disturb me, he told my son not to let me know and at the airport he phoned me to say goodbye:
“Wherever we are, whatever happens to us, we are still friends.” said Gary.
“You bet.” simply I replied.
Rach Gia Feb 21, 10
Luong Ngoc Thanh-
“What is your new year resolution?”
Gary was supposed to be the first to answer. He said smiling,
“Not making mistakes of finding a girl friend.”
Then I asked him to ask another. We took turn doing that and we all felt great. My reply was:
“Never miss any final sounds”
I pleased Gary that way as he had always been concerned about the matter.
Gary tried to be friendly with one of my learners and he took her a restaurant, a coffee shop and they had a good time. I introduced him to teach at where I was teaching and he was very welcome. We became partners. Dr. Hau, one of my former learners paid and treated us well and advertised us. We were invited to be the co-founders of a speaking club at Binh Dan hospital. Hung was so happy with what we had been doing that he offered us a trip to a fresh-sea food restaurant in Long Thanh. During the trip, he and I took turn asking responding to show Hung and his young employees how to learn to practice and I showed them the way I improved my English. Gary made such a good joke that Hung really enjoyed. We deserved being offered what Hung was paying for.
Failing to apply for my TESOL course, not making enough money for a family of 4, hearing my daughter starting her puberty, being concerned about what would be worse, I decided to go back home. Before leaving Gary, I had assigned an email. Till the last class I was in charge, I kept quiet. The following early morning, I emailed him. He phoned me as soon as he got it. He sympathized with my decision and reassured that he would welcome me back. Gary recognized a lack of my income that month so he asked my son- Canon- to meet him and he gave my son what would be called a gift of friend ship: 2 million dong.
Three months after I had left him, Gary had a big health problem. His sister encouraged him to go home and he did. On that day, not wanting to disturb me, he told my son not to let me know and at the airport he phoned me to say goodbye:
“Wherever we are, whatever happens to us, we are still friends.” said Gary.
“You bet.” simply I replied.
Rach Gia Feb 21, 10
Luong Ngoc Thanh-
GARY- SUCH A GUY
GARY- SUCH A GUY
If I hadn’t met HUNG- a good friend of mine, I would never have got a chance to get to know his English instructor- Gary- from whom I have learnt a lot. What I have learned from him is more precious than what a young student could get from his college.
To make our first meeting special, HUNG drove his car to pick me up at my place then to drive me to “Con Co” restaurant on Tran Binh Trong St. We had been there for a while before Gary showed up. Even though he and I had had a small talk on the phone the day I first met HUNG, I had a few difficulties understanding what he said. He spoke so naturally that I enjoyed every moment of that night. We found several things in common especially our point of view. At the end of the party which HUNG paid for us, Gary asked me to get in touch with him as we were either physically or mentally close. Actually, I prevented myself from meeting him the following weeks as I wanted to save my monthly low income. Till the third weekend, Gary and I met again at a small popular restaurant on Cao Dat St. He and I talked about a lot of different things but mainly about how to live happily. He would never mind answering my questions nor asking me what had been in my mind. I tried to speak to him as at home in Rach Gia I had not had many opportunities to do so.
The most interesting question I asked him which made him pleased was
“What is the most important thing in life?”
Having a gulp of beer, drying his mouth with a handkerchief, he replied:
“To live my life in such a way that I would have a big smiling on my face before my dying.”
He asked me why I had come there and what I would be looking for. I explained as simply as,
“To make my life a bit better and then I would make my family better.”
We not only shared the bill but also the feelings.
The following weekend as I had promised, I came to his rental house to co-teach with him. A group of 4 young teen girls and 3 small ones welcomed me as I appeared with my guitar. First, I played a short piece of Ngoc Le’s famous song: “The three candle lights.” Then when I asked them to follow me, one of the girls did so well that Gary was amazed how much and quickly I won his neighbor kids’ hearts the way he would have to try to make himself close and popular in the area. In that way, I also won his heart and that Sunday we once more time drank talking chatting a lot about life. One of the stuffs he could not get through was that to find out a woman to be with which I also ready had. He was never reluctant to correct my mispronunciation or my distressed syllabus. He taught me how to be powerful how to be independent and the most important how to be pleased ourselves. That night, I rode home happily.
As time went by, he and I became closer. Hung was glad to hear that. Things seemed to work out great that way. We were planning to co-operate to join hand to be one. Laughing relaxingly, he joked,
“Thanh, if I were a gay, I would fall in love with you.” Or
“Thanh, If I could be a lady, I would marry you.”
To respond, I spoke more seriously than ever,
“Gary, If I had been here earlier, we would have made a big difference in our teaching procedures.”
Gary told me several things about his life. One of the secrets he had rarely talked about was his youth. At the age of 19 he began gambling and he never tried to stop, he once heard an old guy who gave him a lift home say,
“A gambler is someone who tries to get something from nothing.”
He realized what the man meant to teach him but he could not win himself. He clearly told me more about the time he taught English in Korea, Japan and what had been happening to him when he was about to open a language school in China. I was especially concerned about his parents’ health conditions. I never heard him recall any of his colleagues so I guessed he hadn’t been friendly among them or that could mean to me that he was so strict to have some. He never felt shy to talk about anything. That 37-year-old guy revealed that he had made some mistakes in his adult-hood. He unbelievably ran a kind of one-person-painting company as he was a young good-looking guy. Some older widows or divorcees asked him to hang up with them or even ask him to be with them. He never lost himself but sometimes after drinking, he asked me to take him to gambling places and he later told me he lost all the money he had got. One night, on the way to a casino at about midnight, he summarized what he had lost and found in Sai Gon and then he revealed that he would be home for the loss. He showed me how much men need companionship. First he asked me to be beside him at a small restaurant on Pham Ngu Lao St. When he played poker, he asked me to have some beer with him and to have a look. He was the first ever invited me to 3 parties of his foreign friends. I was welcome and I was aware of being confident in any cases. Once while in a good mood of drinking, he took me to his friend’s restaurant, there he introduced me as a good friend of his.
If I hadn’t met HUNG- a good friend of mine, I would never have got a chance to get to know his English instructor- Gary- from whom I have learnt a lot. What I have learned from him is more precious than what a young student could get from his college.
To make our first meeting special, HUNG drove his car to pick me up at my place then to drive me to “Con Co” restaurant on Tran Binh Trong St. We had been there for a while before Gary showed up. Even though he and I had had a small talk on the phone the day I first met HUNG, I had a few difficulties understanding what he said. He spoke so naturally that I enjoyed every moment of that night. We found several things in common especially our point of view. At the end of the party which HUNG paid for us, Gary asked me to get in touch with him as we were either physically or mentally close. Actually, I prevented myself from meeting him the following weeks as I wanted to save my monthly low income. Till the third weekend, Gary and I met again at a small popular restaurant on Cao Dat St. He and I talked about a lot of different things but mainly about how to live happily. He would never mind answering my questions nor asking me what had been in my mind. I tried to speak to him as at home in Rach Gia I had not had many opportunities to do so.
The most interesting question I asked him which made him pleased was
“What is the most important thing in life?”
Having a gulp of beer, drying his mouth with a handkerchief, he replied:
“To live my life in such a way that I would have a big smiling on my face before my dying.”
He asked me why I had come there and what I would be looking for. I explained as simply as,
“To make my life a bit better and then I would make my family better.”
We not only shared the bill but also the feelings.
The following weekend as I had promised, I came to his rental house to co-teach with him. A group of 4 young teen girls and 3 small ones welcomed me as I appeared with my guitar. First, I played a short piece of Ngoc Le’s famous song: “The three candle lights.” Then when I asked them to follow me, one of the girls did so well that Gary was amazed how much and quickly I won his neighbor kids’ hearts the way he would have to try to make himself close and popular in the area. In that way, I also won his heart and that Sunday we once more time drank talking chatting a lot about life. One of the stuffs he could not get through was that to find out a woman to be with which I also ready had. He was never reluctant to correct my mispronunciation or my distressed syllabus. He taught me how to be powerful how to be independent and the most important how to be pleased ourselves. That night, I rode home happily.
As time went by, he and I became closer. Hung was glad to hear that. Things seemed to work out great that way. We were planning to co-operate to join hand to be one. Laughing relaxingly, he joked,
“Thanh, if I were a gay, I would fall in love with you.” Or
“Thanh, If I could be a lady, I would marry you.”
To respond, I spoke more seriously than ever,
“Gary, If I had been here earlier, we would have made a big difference in our teaching procedures.”
Gary told me several things about his life. One of the secrets he had rarely talked about was his youth. At the age of 19 he began gambling and he never tried to stop, he once heard an old guy who gave him a lift home say,
“A gambler is someone who tries to get something from nothing.”
He realized what the man meant to teach him but he could not win himself. He clearly told me more about the time he taught English in Korea, Japan and what had been happening to him when he was about to open a language school in China. I was especially concerned about his parents’ health conditions. I never heard him recall any of his colleagues so I guessed he hadn’t been friendly among them or that could mean to me that he was so strict to have some. He never felt shy to talk about anything. That 37-year-old guy revealed that he had made some mistakes in his adult-hood. He unbelievably ran a kind of one-person-painting company as he was a young good-looking guy. Some older widows or divorcees asked him to hang up with them or even ask him to be with them. He never lost himself but sometimes after drinking, he asked me to take him to gambling places and he later told me he lost all the money he had got. One night, on the way to a casino at about midnight, he summarized what he had lost and found in Sai Gon and then he revealed that he would be home for the loss. He showed me how much men need companionship. First he asked me to be beside him at a small restaurant on Pham Ngu Lao St. When he played poker, he asked me to have some beer with him and to have a look. He was the first ever invited me to 3 parties of his foreign friends. I was welcome and I was aware of being confident in any cases. Once while in a good mood of drinking, he took me to his friend’s restaurant, there he introduced me as a good friend of his.
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